my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
