i just sent this text using only my big toe
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
