she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
