he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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