If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
