the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
