yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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