I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
be right there i have to get my cape
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
