i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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