anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
