what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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