I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
