dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
