I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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