I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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