I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Soap is not a condiment
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
