you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
