We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
