What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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