Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
