My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
