dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
