Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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