I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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