I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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