I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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