dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
