I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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