Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
