yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
