My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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