I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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