So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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