I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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