Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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