I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
