AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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