The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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