Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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