South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
