so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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