im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
