Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
