That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
