Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
