Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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