I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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