allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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