Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
