Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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