Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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