do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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